I was in a pickle today over some subway etiquette. OK it is pretty much obvious that if you are sitting down on the subway, all seats are taken and an old person or a pregnant lady, or a lady with small kids gets on, you give up you seat. As the after-school-special-sounding announcement says “you’ll be standing up for what is right.” I have no problem with that.
Now, remember the first time you asked someone when they were due? I don’t because I learned when I was younger, you never assume a lady is pregnant, because it could be insulting. Especially if she wasn’t pregnant, just a big fan of A LOT of Oreos, or McDonald’s.
My problem today came when a lady got on the subway, and she looked like she could be pregnant. I’m thinking, “I should let her have this spot, she’s pregnant.” Then I think “what if she isn’t I could offend her.” Then I realized, “I don’t know her so it isn’t like I’m telling her she certainly has put on a lot of weight.” But how could I give her my spot without saying “hey lady who looks to be with child, do you want to sit here?”
I didn’t want some stranger-lady to give me the whole, What?-do-I-look-like-I’m-pregnant-because-I-don’t-have-the-perfect-figure-you-pig glare/speech.
Well I did what any self-preserving man would do. I sat still for a few moments trying to not be obvious in my pregnant/not-pregnant assessment. Then at the next stop, I pretended it was mine, and offered her my seat as I was preparing to leave. Then I did the whole, oh-wait-this-isn’t-actually-my-stop look and stayed on the train. I was nice without being nice and avoided insulting the I-look-preggers-but-might-not-be, lady.
But I guess I’ll never know if I gave my seat for one... or two.
That's too funny Jason. You did the right thing and was even willing to make a fool of yourself to be kind. Now that's chivalry!! :0)
ReplyDeleteAwww shucks, I was chivalrous wasn't I? :)
ReplyDeleteOk, I was laughing pretty hard when I read this one! I was impressed with your gentlemanly concern but I must admit to laughing at the creative way you solved your dilemma by being nice while looking like you are a blonde who doesn't know what he is doing. =)
ReplyDeleteOh, and once again, your descriptions were spot-on as always!
Well said, kmcdonald.
ReplyDeleteAnd now, advice that I would have given in person yesterday had I been thinking:
One possible solution is to check if the person has an I'm-visually-sweeping-for-an-empty-seat look about them. If that happens, it's a free pass to offer a seat w/o risking the what-do-you-mean-pregnant offence. You don't have to say why you're giving the seat, you simply noticed they wanted one and you're being nice. I mainly use that for borderline elderly men. (Where do you draw the elderly-enough-to-offer-your-seat line? What if they feel you're implying they look too old to stand on their own decrepit feet?)
The best way to offer your seat w/o risking offence is to do so non-verbally:
If you can, catch their eye. Once you have eye contact, rise /slightly/ from your seat with your eyebrows inquiringly lifted, perhaps nodding downwards as well. The person may nod in thanks, in which case you assume they accepted, stand and nod a "you're welcome." Or they may shake their head or lift a hand in refusal.
If you want to be /really/ obliging after a refusal, lift your eyebrows even higher for a "Are you /sure/?" thus giving them a chance to change their answer. At no point do you actually have to speak to said person.
Honestly, if you approach it this way, you'll likely get away w/o offending a woman. If they're not pregnant, then they'll probably assume you're being gentlemanly. On the other hand, if they're hyper-feminists, they may be offended by your male chauvinism.
Still, I really like your clueless-blond tactic as well. :) I've only ever used the oh-wait-this-isn't-actually-my-stop method when trying to politely vacate a seat next to an unpleasantly scented individual.
Btw, I liked that last line. Good way to wrap up this post.